Attendees
Joshua and Margie Boswell, Tonja Howard
Transcript
Joshua Boswell: Hello everyone, welcome to the Happy Family Club Podcast. We're so excited to have you here today. We are absolutely thrilled to have Tonja here with us today. She's just an incredible person, and we just want to have her share what she's doing.
We've got to know her a little bit and you guys, you're gonna be blown away at the insights and the wisdom and the strength of character. And what Tonja has done with her Virtues and Value series, and she's got lots of things on the horizon to strengthen families and bring joy to teens, and children and parents, and just the whole gamut of stuff. So, super excited to have you here.
Margie, do you want to tell them a little about Tonja?
Margie Boswell: Yeah. Tonja Howard, we're so glad you're here.
Tonja Howard: Thank you.
Margie Boswell: Tonja is the mother of two beautiful daughters that are growing up and one of them is soon to be leaving home, right?
Tonja Howard: That's right.
Joshua Boswell: And she's actually an entrepreneur and has done a lot of different types of businesses. We're excited to hear about that. But especially how you're helping families with your Virtues and Values class and those books that you're working on and…
Tonja Howard: Yes. Yes.
Margie Boswell: …that you've written. And how we can use that to help strengthen our families. So, glad you’re here!
Tonja Howard: Thank you for having me.
Joshua Boswell: Our pleasure absolutely. So I would love it if you would share… and you can take as long or short as you want, but love to hear your “Why”? I mean, it's a really unique thing that someone in your position… I mean, you've had a successful career, you’re a successful realtor, you've got successful investments, you've done businesses with your husband. And here you are writing children's books. It's like, okay, wait, what is the story behind this? It's crazy. So maybe you can share with us a little bit about your background.
Tonja Howard: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And then I want to dig into that key question, that is, What’s a principle you think will help families become happier?
Tonja Howard: Yeah. Yes.
Joshua Boswell: So, first of all, your background. Where did you come from? And give us the scoop as to your why?
Tonja Howard: So just taking it way back. I was born in New York and then my own family moved around quite a bit…
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: Which was great. And then early on my very first job, I actually worked at Buck Owens Productions, and I don't know if you know him but it's hee haw.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And that was pre-children and that was some of the greatest moments in my life, I think it really shaped me.
Tonja Howard: And I was able to develop amazing connections with not only a family, but people there. But, then fast forward, I get married and I have my first child Brantley. And I think, at that point, things started to stir within me. Even though this company was amazing and they were so accommodating when she was born, something more, was pulling me there. And so I ended up resigning there. And really started staying home, with Brantley.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And at that point it's when my husband and I started to develop our businesses and really threw our hats into the entrepreneurial ring which has been incredible and again taught me quite a bit. But also gave me the flexibility to raise Brantley. So I can remember… Brantley was in my stomach and Google had just come out and I knew I wanted to parent differently than my parents did.
Joshua Boswell: Sure.
Tonja Howard: And of course, I appreciate how they did it. I just knew that I wanted to branch out a little more. And being.. I feel like I'm a positive light and I know that, I lead with my heart.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: So I can remember, punching in “positive discipline” on the Google.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, right.
Tonja Howard: Which, that was incredible in itself. And the book Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson came up and me being the type that I am, I just dove head first. I mean, I surrounded myself with that. I connected with her and from there, I ended up becoming a positive discipline lead trainer.
Joshua Boswell: Wow.
Tonja Howard: Which was…
Joshua Boswell: You really dove in! Yeah.
Tonja Howard: I really just… exactly right, and it was no different then the real estate. I knew I wanted to invest, so why not get your license and just figure it all out?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: But I knew that would keep my mind sharp, and also this is how I was really going to start parenting my children. And on top of that, it was also going… I wanted to help anybody else I could. And so I ended up doing that.
And then also I became a board member of Positive Discipline and helped them facilitate quite a few things and maybe rewrite some things. And it was an incredible experience. And one again, that helped me grow with both of my daughters, but I was able to help others.
00:05:00
Tonja Howard: And then the girls got older and I started homeschooling them. And you know that takes up all day every day. But I knew that's where I wanted to be. And so I did homeschool my girls for eight years and now they are… oh boy… 17 almost 18 on Christmas which now you all know that she's headed out and my youngest is two years behind her.
Joshua Boswell: Wow.
Tonja Howard: During my parenting journey with them and we're still parenting and we're still learning.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: But not only with the positive discipline aspect of it, I really dove into virtues and values because I believe that if we can operate from a place of that… I mean there are over a hundred virtues and more.
It doesn't matter how old, where you come from, they are timeless. They are classic. And so I saw the benefit that not only my children but myself had living in those virtues and values every day.
And so I think it was last year when I knew my sweet daughter was going to be a senior and I knew I had accomplished some amazing things in my professional world. But for me, working in something that I was passionate about as I am about this, I thought, this is the time.
Because we raised them to leave the nest and everybody's looking at me going, Are you going to make it? Yes, I'm going to make it and so it was like, Why not now? And I wanted to also write these books to leave a legacy for my girls.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: I picture them up on a bookshelf and they're reading to their grandbabies. I don't know if that will happen but that's my vision.
And I wanted these books to be in the hearts and hands of everybody. And so I was speaking to my friend Casey about this. And he is a leadership coach, and so we have these sessions which are amazing and one day he said, This is not the coach talking, this is your friend. I'm sick of you. I’m sick of hearing you tell me you want to write books! Like this is it. So, I want to introduce you to my friend Bob Sorenson. And as you all know, Bob has written over 20 books.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And a couple of them, Juice Box Bully and Stand In My Shoes. And Stand In My Shoes is amazing. It was number one on the charts for empathy for years.
Joshua Boswell: Years. Yeah.
Tonja Howard: Which I love and… so Bob and I connected. And it was a relationship that was just waiting to happen. I don't know how to explain it. And not only is Bob my mentor, but he and I have a great working relationship and a great friendship.
And so from there, he said, Tonja look, I don't want to have to write anymore, I'm getting older. But I mean, I want to do this, I feel like the world needs to hear this too.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And so what do you want to do? And I said, I want to write books on virtues and values and I feel like we should co-create that. And that's what we did. To start this series off, The Virtues and Values series, we picked 12 virtues, narrowed them down which was not easy.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah I bet that was tough. Yeah.
Tonja Howard: Yes, but we ended up doing that to start with. This series can grow if we want that as well. And if everybody else wants that. So we picked those virtues and values and started writing.
And so I feel like this is giving me… I say purpose, I mean we all want to live with purpose but this is really something that Bob is passionate about and that I am passionate about. And it also goes hand in hand with parenting.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And so that's why I've also created Connected Parenting. And it's parenting with love and I believe, after all of the years parenting my girls… And again, now, we're into the teenage years, it does look a little different only because these sweet teenagers are, lifespan wise, I mean, they are interdependent, they are becoming their own people. And I will tell you, I think I have grown more now in their parenting years myself than ever before.
00:10:00
Joshua Boswell: Oh yeah.
Tonja Howard: Right?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, we can still relate to that. Yes.
Tonja Howard: I have always said, they are our mirrors.
Tonja Howard: But the mutual respect part of this parenting, right? And again, these virtues and values are constantly being called on, right?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: In parenting, and everything we do. I can't even tell you how many times a day, it's like, we need to be respectful. Let's call on some patience. Let's call on some grace. How about the gratitude?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And if you think about that, they really are our compass.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: I believe that they are. And so this Connected Parenting is something that I'm passionate about, too. Because, yes, when we talk about positive discipline, there are people that say, discipline is a negative word.
But it's not. If you were to look this word up in the dictionary, it's training. And so, when we put the positive spin on it, that doesn't mean that there aren't consequences. That doesn't mean that it's a free-for-all.
But it does encourage the child and empower, the child, and the parent really to grow. And so connected parenting will be a little bit of… I want to say everything, because I really believe that connection comes before correction. It's very hard to correct when you're not connected. It's really hard to do anything when you're not connected.
Joshua Boswell: Right.
Tonja Howard: So that is my goal. And so I feel like between Connected Parenting, and look… that looks very, I don't want to say different, at the core of it it's heart-centered, right? And it doesn't matter if they're an infant, all the way up to their adulthood. The idea is to stay connected.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And we are all built for love and connection. We really are. And to really look for the behaviors like, we have these behaviors, but what's the reason behind the behavior?
Joshua Boswell: Right.
Tonja Howard: There's a lot of coding but it's letting them know that, I am here and we are doing this. That doesn't mean that people don't need time. It’s just… it's not abandonment.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, totally. So I want to dive into some of the tactical aspects of that a little bit more…
Tonja Howard: Yes, of course.
Joshua Boswell: But first, I just want to go back to two things. Number one is, you said that there came a point when you're like, I want to learn this for myself. And I also wanted to help other people.
Tonja Howard: Mm-hmm
Joshua Boswell: And I wanted to just dig a little bit more into your heart and find out why? Because a lot of people they're like, Okay, I really want to raise my kids, but they don't have a sense of reaching out and making a movement, making this…
Tonja Howard: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: A purpose of their life to serve…
Margie Boswell: Something bigger than themselves.
Tonja Howard: Yes.
Joshua Boswell: Right, something bigger than themselves. And I'm really fascinated as to what happened inside of you, or why was that that you decided to do that?
Tonja Howard: This is very interesting. My makeup as a person is to really think of others, right? And just I'm helpful and… probably sometimes to a fault. There's a fine line with anything you do, but not only that. I just felt the passion and movement.
I am the type of person that will just observe. I love to observe and I feel like if I can help others, not only do I hope that they pay that forward, but I just feel like there is something miraculous about people helping people.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And on I guess the opposite side of that coin. I want help too. I believe that we all live and learn through each other, and if we can live and learn through connection and love, I don't know how else, I can't explain it. Other than the fact I felt very moved to do it.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: Because I am so passionate about children, about parenting…
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
00:15:00
Tonja Howard: And I just also saw the need.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: But it just moved me. There was something in my heart that moved the needle and I just said, We got to do this. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: Well I love that. Whatever that thing was, God or, I believe…
Tonja Howard: Yeah, yes. That's right.
Joshua Boswell: It's amazing and there is such a need right now. It really is an incredible time in the history of the world.
Tonja Howard: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And I think that one of the world views that I've played with and looked at is a book called The Fourth Turning, which talks about how history rotates in these major cycles and eras. And one of the eras is this unraveling where society, all the traditional values and what we thought was sure ground suddenly starts to fall out from under us.
Tonja Howard: Right.
Joshua Boswell: And we're not quite sure anymore… and I see this happening right now in our world today, right?
Tonja Howard: Yes, yes.
Joshua Boswell: There's so many things between politics and economy, and there's new technologies, and then I think a lot of parents got sideswiped by social media. It's like, wait a minute, this is not the world… I mean, we're parenting in a world that our parents had no clue was even possible, right?
Margie Boswell: No clue.
Tonja Howard: Night and day. And I bring that up a lot. Yes. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And when you look at levels of bullying and then they are the things with gender confusion or relationships and…
Tonja Howard: Yes.
Joshua Boswell: it just goes on and on and on, and on, and on, and on, and on. And I think that a lot of parents and youth are like, Okay, where exactly do we stand?
Tonja Howard: That's right.
Joshua Boswell: And so the fact that you found some solid ground, and I'm not saying you're perfect, but the fact that you like…
Tonja Howard: no, I'm not saying that either. Thank God. But yes.
Joshua Boswell: Okay, Let's put the stake in the ground, wave the flag and…
Tonja Howard: That's right.
Joshua Boswell: Be like, Hey actually… you don't have to tread water forever. There is solid ground over here. Come on over.
Tonja Howard: That's exactly right.
Joshua Boswell: So Tonja I love, love it.
Tonja Howard: And you're right, I couldn't agree with you more and it is, what came to my mind was that we have to realign and get on solid ground.
Joshua Boswell: That's right. Absolutely.
Tonja Howard: And sometimes that is… I mean, I'm telling you, bringing it down to the nuts and bolts, right?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, exactly.
Tonja Howard: I mean, you've got to build from the ground up and so I agree with you and I have this conversation with my girls all the time is, gosh, girls… And I say this to them, It must be really hard to be a teenager sometimes. You know?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah. Yeah.
Tonja Howard: Truthfully. And if we can understand that, us as parents coming from a place of understanding, I mean… you mentioned it, Joshua. You said social media and all of these things, we didn't have. All we needed to do was be home before dark.
Joshua Boswell: Exactly, right?
Tonja Howard: Right? And roll up the hose.
Joshua Boswell: And there it was. That was it.
Tonja Howard: Yes, and roll up the hose. And so I also take that into consideration when I'm dealing with the hearts of my girls. Because Wow.
Joshua Boswell: Totally. Yeah.
Tonja Howard: But I couldn't agree with you more and Bob and I had that exact conversation. He said, if there was ever a time that we needed to roll out Virtues and Values, it's now.
Margie Boswell: Right now.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah. So let's talk a little bit more about that.
I mean the question that we love to pose because again, our brand, our world is about helping families, be happier.
Tonja Howard: That's right.
Joshua Boswell: And Abe Lincoln said that people are about as happy as they make up their mind to be and I think there's a second piece of that puzzle and that is… We believe that happiness is fruit on the tree. Meaning, you can't just do wrong… like, I can't go up and start slapping people and stealing all their money and say I'm just gonna decide to feel happy about this, right?
Tonja Howard: Right.
Joshua Boswell: At some point… it's like when you do really bad stuff, you're not going to feel happy. I mean it's just part of it. Right?
Tonja Howard: It's living from a place of virtue and value, but being congruent…
Joshua Boswell: Exactly,…
Tonja Howard: …with what your beliefs are. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: Exactly. So anyway, our question, as you are standing on solid ground is, if there was one principle that we could talk about and discuss that really would make a difference for families to help them to be happier, what would you say that is? What's your perspective on that, Tonja?
Tonja Howard: No, I think you just touched on it. It really is what we make up our mind to do. So I talk a lot about, I say mindfulness right?
Joshua Boswell: Yes.
Tonja Howard: But this really is an integral part of being happy. So, us as parents. How can we possibly be happy and treat our children the way we want if we aren't aligned ourselves? Okay?
Joshua Boswell: Love this.
Tonja Howard: If we can't… How do I say this? If we can't step into that, everything trickles down. So in my opinion it's making a choice, first and foremost, right? It's making the choice. From there, I feel like our thoughts will then tell our actions. I feel like…
00:20:00
Tonja Howard: …we act on what we think. And this, you guys, this is a whole nother thing, the neuroscience behind this and there's so much that goes into this. But I feel like all these families want to be happy. But… and I have finally learned this. I'm still learning. There's something to be said for self-care. And that is an entire book that could be written because If we aren't taking care of ourselves, all of that trickles into the family.
Joshua Boswell: Right.
Tonja Howard: And our children are watching us more than they listen. Right?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah. Yeah.
Margie Boswell: Right.
Tonja Howard: They're feeling that. And so I would say… if we're talking about all the tactical, what to do, it starts with us.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: From there, I believe when we talk about connection… there's so much that goes into that too. I mean I believe that our job as a parent or our role is to also model to our children what does it look like spiritually? What does that look like to take care of yourself, your mind, your body, your soul?
And it's up to each individual family to decide what that is. And then as you all know, when they get to teenagers, they have their own… But you're laying that foundation for them. It's really more about growth.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And being open to that, and again making that choice. But that is in my opinion, the recipe of a happy family. That doesn't mean you're going to be happy all the time, but that just means that there's that foundation of happiness. And also loving and respecting where the others are coming from is big, I think. Yeah.
Margie Boswell: Really big.
Tonja Howard: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: You have such a great framework here. I love this. So you make the choice,...
Tonja Howard: Mm-hmm
Joshua Boswell: …there's Self-care, Connection, Model, and Growth, Right? These six key things that you just talked about, I think are so powerful.
Maybe… And, just again, kind of keeping an eye on time you're looking at where we go from here. I would love to hear your thoughts on a couple of these, but one is this alignment. If there's some tactical insights and experience that you have.
Because I think a lot of people, they're like, I really want to do better, but I'm over here and I'm over here and I'm over there and I'm not quite sure about this, and what about that? So… any suggestions about how to get that alignment into our life and what a process we can go through to start that?
Tonja Howard: My gosh, it's harder than working out. It really is hard.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, it is right?
Tonja Howard: But if we honor that… we all know that, I really feel like all of us are inherently good, right?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: If you really strip away everything we are inherently good. And …
Joshua Boswell: Yes.
Tonja Howard: A lot of times when we look at our children, and then hurt does turn into anger, it's a scaffold of all these things that have built up. But to answer your question, I think it's real and honest to call out the fact that it is hard to align all the time.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And, it really is where I say these virtues and values come in because we can talk about honesty and gratitude. And if we can, it is about making the choice and then having the self-discipline to see it through.
Joshua Boswell: Yes. Yeah.
Tonja Howard: That's the hardest part right but it's hard and so it’s almost as if… when I look at myself, it's like, What do I want more? Do I want this moment of… Now it's not to say that mistakes aren't opportunities to learn, right? I mean, I am a firm believer of that as well.
But it's walking your talk. And every day, I mean, can you imagine how many times a day we're faced with making the right decision? Or a decision that is going to align us? And a lot of times I reverse engineer this, so in my prayer and meditation, I will have a visualization of what is it that you want to look like, feel like, be like… what does this look like to you?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And then how are you going to get there, right? And so, it is a conscious choice. It's no different than me waking up every morning at 4:30 to work out because for me, that's one of my self-care rituals.
00:25:00
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: I feel stronger, the endorphins, everything's going and flowing, everything… right? But on the same… I also work my heart, my mind, right? So, I'm working all of it and there are rituals to do that as well.
But again, it's a choice. Do I want to eat this donut? Or do I want to maybe choose something healthier because I know how I'm gonna feel afterward.
Joshua Boswell: That's right.
Tonja Howard: And that's what our choices are, right? The girls could make a choice, or I could, and we know our internal compass and our conscious tells us when we haven't quite hit the mark.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And so I feel like at those times when that happens, we're realigning.
Joshua Boswell: Yes.
Tonja Howard: And I feel like if we are not learning, we're not growing. I mean, we are going to do this until the very end. Right?
Margie Boswell: Yeah. Right.
Tonja Howard: There's days where I just… Can I please just take a day off? And you should, but I know that might be the long way around it, but it really is about making those choices. It really is about getting our mind and hearts right and living in congruency with what we want for ourselves and our family.
Joshua Boswell: Totally and I love Tonja what you said here. It's like, sitting down in prayer and meditation…
Tonja Howard: Yes.
Joshua Boswell: …spending time and saying, Okay, what do I want my life to look like? And getting a clear picture on that, and then saying, Okay. Do I want that more than…? So maybe one of the goals is, I'm fit and energetic, I've got all the energy I need to play with kids and grandkids and be able to go out and experience and help other people and do all that kind of stuff.
Do I want to have that level of life or… do I want to have extra donuts, padding my belly. Right? And…
Tonja Howard: That's right. Both! Haha no I’m just kidding.
Joshua Boswell: Right? And all the things that come with large,…
Tonja Howard: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: You know, we're just using weight here, but everything is what I hear you saying, right?
Tonja Howard: Yes, yes. You just said it,…
Margie Boswell: Emotionally, how do I want to show up for my family that day? Yeah.
Tonja Howard: How do I want to show up? Right?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And that's huge. We talk about showing up a lot. But what does that look like, and how can I get there? Right?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: That's right.
Joshua Boswell: I love what you said about reverse engineering that and just saying, Okay, well if that’s the end picture, then what are the steps that actually lead to that? What’s that path?
And I think sometimes just asking that question is so powerful because sometimes the answer is, Well, I’m not sure. And then a follow-up question is, Okay well where do I go find out?
Tonja Howard: That’s right.
I love how you said Bob was your mentor. Because like… what did you know about publishing and writing children’s books?
Tonja Howard: No idea.
Joshua Boswell: No idea!
Margie Boswell: You went and found out, right?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah you went and found out.
Tonja Howard: And I'm still finding out, right? But isn't that the good point is we're not always going to have the answers as you're saying and…
Joshua Boswell: Yes.
Tonja Howard: and by the way, this isn't like you get to the end of the street and you're like, I'm done.
Joshua Boswell: Right. Yeah.
Tonja Howard: Right, this is growth at its finest and… but it's bringing ourselves back to where we want to be. Because you know we will all fall off course. It happens..
Joshua Boswell: Of course, yeah.
Tonja Howard: But we say a lot of sorrys.
Joshua Boswell: Right, get really good… Yeah, I got really good at apologizing really early on in my marriage.
Tonja Howard: Yeah. Yes.
Joshua Boswell: I was like, Oh actually, I'm sorry honey.
Tonja Howard: Right. But it’s an entirely different subject. But it’s also that. It’s being vulnerable enough to say, I am really sorry. And it is some of the most powerful words. And in their healing, it really… because we don't want to be perfect. I can't imagine trying to live up to that, I just don't want to do that. And I don't want my girls to ever feel that either because I haven't met anybody yet. I love you just as you are, right? Because we are all trying hard.
Margie Boswell: Right.
Joshua Boswell: Absolutely, I love it.
Margie Boswell: So great.
Joshua Boswell: So I thank you. That is such good insight on alignment. I mean getting that big picture, then making the decision and sticking to it and apologizing when you don't.
Tonja Howard: That's exactly right. And we get up and we do it all over again.
Joshua Boswell: Exactly. I told Margie… we were at lunch this afternoon with our girls. I don’t even remember how we got on it, but I said, You know what? You're gonna wake up every morning until you don't and when you do, you get a chance to grow and become.
Tonja Howard: That's so beautiful but it's true. That's exactly right. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: When we're homeschooling… we homeschool our children too…
00:30:00
Joshua Boswell: And people often ask us, What do you guys do for summer break? And I'm like, Shhh! Don't tell ‘em. There's not…
Tonja Howard: We don't do that.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah we don’t do that. I said you don’t get summer break in life. We always get to grow and learn and become. That's just the way it is.
Tonja Howard: It's so true and when you intertwine that, that's an entirely different thing too. Which I mean you think about that because being an entrepreneur as well or anything else in life. I don't get to take a summer break. We don't take summer breaks.
Joshua Boswell: Right?
Tonja Howard: Now we learn balance right?
Joshua Boswell: We learned balance, yes absolutely.
Tonja Howard: We learn balance, but I'm with you on that too. Because then by the way, when you do take a summer break, it's really hard to go back.
Joshua Boswell: Exactly, right? Take that sabbatical way too long.
Tonja Howard: Yeah, yes, exactly.
Joshua Boswell: Okay, so I'd love to hear some additional thoughts on connection. I mean that is so huge.
Tonja Howard: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And I'm thinking about these different levels that we have. I mean… So at church on Sunday there was a young couple, brand new baby, and the baby was a little fussy, we're sitting next them. And I love babies, and braggingly, I happen to be one of the world's greatest baby holders…
Tonja Howard: The baby whisperer, yes.
Joshua Boswell: Exactly. So I was like oh… let me just hold that baby for a minute.
Tonja Howard: Awww.
Joshua Boswell: So I got to spend about an hour just playing with and helping this baby bo to sleep and feeding and burping and just was beautiful.
Tonja Howard: Yeah, yes.
Joshua Boswell: Sweet. I need grandchildren. Anyway…
Tonja Howard: Yes, you do. I was just going to follow up with that.
Joshua Boswell: But the point is that we have these different stages of life. Infancy stage, toddler stage, teenager, and then adult. And we as parents, I think we have an opportunity to try to connect with our children, each phase of the game, right? Each phase of life.
Tonja Howard: Yeah, yes.
Joshua Boswell: I'd love to hear your thoughts on how we do that? And what kind of connection points end up being really important? Because we could all go out and get drunk together and have memories of being drunk and high. And we can all go rob a bank together and have memories of, Hey, we connected on robbing a bank together… I mean there's…
And then there's positive things we could do. We could go out fishing, we could spend all our days on video games. We could spend all of our time on serving. There's a lot of different ways to connect, and I just would just love to hear your insights on how to connect and where you feel like some important connection points are.
Tonja Howard: Yes, so it starts in infancy.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: When we look at the lifespan of a person and the different developmental stages that they have, I can't recommend enough for any parents, when they're out getting these books, How do I do this? We always talk about this. And one of the most important things, and I guess gifts that they could give their child is to understand the developmental process of their age and every stage.
Joshua Boswell: mmm.
Tonja Howard: Because, in Adel Faber has an incredible… it's a very old series, but you're 10 to 14 year old, your infant.. It takes you through everything.
Just reading those alone, you will start to understand first and foremost that most of this behavior is developmental.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: But what parents… and it's no fault. Again, there's no manual, there's no manual!
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: We try to write books and we really try to help each other. But at the end of the day, parents tend to take it personally. Like, Why in the world is my teenager acting like that? I just gave her the world, right? We take it personally.
So, taking ourselves out of that is one thing. Now back to the connection part. So when we talk about the ages and stages, I cannot stress this enough. The foundation that you will start building with your child from infancy… Think about this foundation. Is all the way up from toddler, to all ages and stages will lead up to the teenage years.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: So, this is… when we talk about, This job is hard, I don't even know that I like to call it a job, but our mission. You have got to be involved, you have got to connect on every level and it looks different.
So when they're an infant, we're holding them, we're taking care of them. When we get to the toddler stage? We talk about making choices. We know as parents we have laundry to do and we have all these things to do, but it is carving out that time to connect with your child. I can't say that enough.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
00:35:00
Tonja Howard: So when they're two it's play, three, four, five, you're playing with them, you are getting in their world, right? And in my opinion, those are the moments that they remember.
You're also building the core memory and everything… you're building that in them as everything is working and growing. And so really, it wires them for connection. Because then when they get into their tween years, they're more verbal and they're out riding bikes and they're out doing all these things.
But the point of connected parenting too is, you are still staying connected with them in that way. You are constantly building that house I would say.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah. Yeah.
Tonja Howard: Then what happens is all the way up to high school. So, now it looks very different for our teenagers as now they're verbal and they look at Mom and Dad and go, You’re different than I am. Right?
You are different than I am, but we're still going to be connected. And that looks different. It's a lot more talking. It's a lot more holding the space for them. It's a lot more non-judgment, because you know how this is, you’ve got to be very careful how you give your opinion.
Joshua Boswell: Yep.
Tonja Howard: I ask, Would you like me to give my opinion? Connected parenting is all of that. Because at the end when they are into their adult life, when they are off on their own, the connection remains.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: It's so strong… but it looks different. When I have parents come to me and say, I am not connected with my teen, and I know this sounds… but I say, Let's take it all the way back.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: Did you make the time? Did you connect with them when they were an infant? All the way through? And if so tell me what that looks like. Right?
Margie Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And it is heart centered. There are so many times a parent will say, I cannot work this out with my child. And I say to them, if they’re maybe eight, nine, ten, Even two. Go play with them.
I just first want you to go play with them. I want three days of you just getting in their world and playing with them. And then I want you to revisit what the issue is. It's amazing.
And so, when we talk about connection before correction… You know, it doesn't always work that way. There might be something you have to deal with right now, but if you have built that foundation from the ground up, you do stay connected.
And it's those moments because you've built that connection, when you go to talk about something hard and they're a teenager, they've already built that core you've built that relationship. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, and I love that. What I hear you saying, is You've got this parent, and they’re like, Ahh, I can't because of this problem with my eight, nine, ten year old… You're like, Look, go back and re-lay that foundation.
Tonja Howard: That's exactly right. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And you didn't say it, but I give the feeling that it’s like, Go play with them and love them. Don't judge them, don't fix them. Don't correct that. Just be with them.
Tonja Howard: Right.
Joshua Boswell: And help them to feel the… like you said earlier, we all are inherently good. We all have this incredible intrinsic value. And I think what I hear you saying is this connection point is to spend some time with them and just shower them with love and help them to see that intrinsic eternal value.
Tonja Howard: 100% Because if you think about that, isn't that what we all want? We all want to be loved, seen, heard, respected,…
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And if you think about it, in society today, as we talk about this, how often are they already judged? The message of I'm not good enough?
Joshua Boswell: Yes.
Tonja Howard: And I can't tell you enough how many times I will just say to my girls, You are good enough, I love you just the way you are.
Joshua Boswell: That's right.
Tonja Howard: And so… and it's us being able to open up and to break our hearts wide open and be vulnerable. Because you guys, there's another aspect of this and it's re-parenting ourselves. Ohhh… big. Right? It is something big because the way our child is acting… if we are triggered, we've got to stop right there. Because it's about us.
What happened in my childhood? What is causing this? And reparenting is a huge, I say technique. But It's also a cornerstone of connected parenting. Because you are reconnecting with yourself as well.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: You're gonna have to work some things out within yourself.
Margie Boswell: Okay, wow.
Joshua Boswell: Okay well… That might be a whole separate interview. …
Tonja Howard: I was gonna, yes, I was…
00:40:00
Joshua Boswell: Tonja, that's like… Oh, look at this…
Margie Boswell: That's amazing!
Joshua Boswell: There's a whole other universe out here like, let’s just say we're gonna put a pin in that for right now just move on…
Tonja Howard: We need to hold that…
Joshua Boswell: But really… my goodness. It's really amazing.
Tonja Howard: but 100%. Yeah. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: Okay, so I absolutely love this and the thing is that I think that oftentimes two things happen that stand out to me about what you're saying. One is oftentimes, Mom Dad working, gone, they have these worlds going on which, hey. Sometimes that's exactly what needs to be and should be.
Tonja Howard: That's right.
Joshua Boswell: But then when we come back into our children's presence, instead of setting that aside and connecting, we bring that whole other world with us sometimes.
Tonja Howard: Agreed, yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And then our child's thinking, Dang well, where do I fit in that world? And we have to… I think what I’m hearing… and again I can make conjectures here, but it's like: We need to help them see that that's a piece of our world. But the heart of our world is us as parents, husband & wife, family, them. They belong inside of the core of the core of our world and if they feel that, it's like, Oh okay wait, I don't have to be part of Mom's career world, because I’m part of Mom’s mom world. Right?
Tonja Howard: That's right. That's right.
Joshua Boswell: right? Yeah or Dad’s career world, or…
Tonja Howard: Yes. And…
Joshua Boswell: I mean it's like that connection where they feel they've got a place.
Tonja Howard: That's their sense of belonging.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, right.
Tonja Howard: And what you'll find is, a lot of children, toddlers and then even teens, will act out. Right?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: For that reason right there. So, again, this goes back to making choices. What is important to you in your life? And what do you want to see? And whatever is important in our lives, we have to take the time to nurture that. Period.
Tonja Howard: And so it is when I say prioritizing, but you couldn't have said it better. These children want to feel like they are a part of our universe too.
Now look, that is also balance.
Joshua Boswell: Of course.
Tonja Howard: That doesn't mean you're dropping everything and going, My gosh, Johnny is asking for me right now! They also need to learn patience and understanding as well. Just as we do.
I can remember my children playing, and I can remember at first, my husband would look at me. Are you kidding? She told you to wait, and you said, okay?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: But you understand, too, this is teaching them. It's a mutual thing, Honey, I'm asking you, you're done with your lunch and, we've got to put the plates up and stuff and I would say to her, When is a good time for you to do that?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And he would look at me and say, Are you kidding me? The time is now! But in return. Do you know that they say the same thing back?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah. Totally.
Tonja Howard: Mom, I'm really needing you. Ya know, they're older now.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: What is a good time for you? Right? But again, it starts from the very beginning and you're right. We all want to feel like we are loved and seen and that we're just a part of something big. And that's family. Right?
Margie Boswell: And that’s the most important part. Yeah.
Tonja Howard: Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: I love this dialogue of the communication saying look, This thing that I want to talk with you about, or I want you to do, it's important enough to find a place on your calendar. I mean, it's not really on the calendar, but to find a spot in your life.
Margie Boswell: A spot in your day.
Tonja Howard: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: Let's make sure that we clear space for this and do it.
Margie Boswell: And clear expectation, right?
Tonja Howard: That too. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: What a powerful lesson to teach the children.
Margie Boswell: So great.
Joshua Boswell: It makes me think, for years, especially when they were younger, our children… because I've always worked from home. Which has its own crazy dynamics in the household of 11 children.
Tonja Howard: Yes, bless you. Yes.
Joshua Boswell: So a lot of times that come in and be like, Hey can you read a book to me? Can you come and play? Can we go do whatever and Margie and I, we decided early on that when our children ask us for things, unless it's way inappropriate, the answer is always yes.
Tonja Howard: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: So I'd be like, I would love to read you. In fact, I've got time to do that tonight at 6 o'clock, we'll sit down or read a book together. Right?
Tonja Howard: That's right.
Joshua Boswell: Or Yeah, we can go swimming out in the pool. Let's do that this afternoon, at such and such a time because then I can have time.
Tonja Howard: That's right.
Joshua Boswell: And so I hear you're saying. I've never phrased it quite like that, but I love how it's just like connections. So beautiful.
00:45:00
Tonja Howard: But it's so right? Like you just said, “Yes, and…” Which are two important, amazing words.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And you know what? They learn patience, and then the other thing that they learn, or they feel is excitement. Oh my gosh,…
Joshua Boswell: Yes.
Tonja Howard: …my dad said he was going to swim with me. They can't wait. And it's a win-win. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: By the way, for anyone listening to this, keep those appointments, they are absolutely gold.
Margie Boswell: Don't break them.
Tonja Howard: Don't break them.
Joshua Boswell: right? Yeah,
Tonja Howard: You guys can't say that more. They know it, They feel it.
Joshua Boswell: yeah.
Tonja Howard: And those are appointments that you cannot call in sick to. 100%. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: No. Yeah, my rule of thumb was like someone had to be bleeding and dying or the house on fire. Because otherwise… we're doing it.
Margie Boswell: We’re doing it.
Tonja Howard: That's exactly right. Yes.
Joshua Boswell: So let's… look, we're short on time, but I was hoping you could talk just a little bit more about the virtues and values. I know you've got your first book out.
Tonja Howard: I do.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah and I'd love to hear just a little bit more about how virtues play into this whole conversation of the connection, the growth, alignment, self-care.
Because I sort of have this sense of you've got this universe of all these ideas and points where you've got such wonderful models for parenting and marriage relationship stuff. But it feels like you've consolidated all that down and it's really around this nucleus of virtues and values. I could be wrong. You tell me if I'm wrong, but…
Tonja Howard: No, no.
Joshua Boswell: …Could you explain those a little bit more about how you came to that?
Tonja Howard: Yeah. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And tell us about your virtues project.
Tonja Howard: Yes, so that is the core. I mean, whether it's marriage, parenting, people… at the core of that really is virtues and values. Think about how many you all call on daily. right? And what I love about virtues and values is that they're just timeless. They are classic. It knows no age. It knows no gender. It knows nothing.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And so, it just becomes the roadmap and the compass, really, to direct all of us to the life that we want to live. To the person that we want to be and how we want to treat others. Which is huge. For example the first book is Grumpy Or Grateful, for the kids.
Joshua Boswell: Love it.
Tonja Howard: So this was released in August, and this is kids learning about gratitude. And so it's a beautiful, simple story about how Clara, who's on the front cover, which is actually my oldest daughter, is grumpy.
She goes to her grandparents farm and her cousin Kiara is like, What's the matter with you? You're over here complaining that there's no shops and there's no this and no that… What? We've got to realign you, Clara.
And so it was a beautiful story about how Grandma and Grandpa came in and said, Look, we make choices everyday, and everyday we get to choose whether we want to be grumpy or whether we want to be grateful.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: And that's where it boils down to. It's the choices that we make that will dictate how we feel and how we act. And so Clara learned this beautiful story.
If you just take gratitude alone, you guys, we wake up every day and what three things are we grateful for, and. And I mean, we could think of so many, but if you're starting even the day out like that.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: Or if you've not had a good day. There's silver linings in that as well. Or there's blessings in why this happened. So this is really not great news, but I'm grateful for something. We can always find the gratitude. And so, with this book and the second book, which is going to be released in a month and a half, it's about respect.
Joshua Boswell: Mmm.
Tonja Howard: And so that's another one. How can we respect others? This is a big one.
Joshua Boswell: This is a huge one.
Tonja Howard: And in everything they do in life, it's respecting others. We never know the story behind anybody,…
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Tonja Howard: right? And so we've got to respect differences, we have to come from a place of love and understanding. So I just can't say it enough, even parents that have read this first book. They're like, thank you for the reminder, thank you. Because we needed to fine-tune ourselves too.
So those virtues and values, when you think about it, it is the nucleus from that if we are living every part of our life from a virtue value. It's only good. Yeah.
00:50:00
Margie Boswell: That's so great. So great.
Joshua Boswell: Awesome. Well… dang it we ought to wrap up.
Tonja Howard: I know this time, it was so fun you guys.
Margie Boswell: We’re having so much fun!
Tonja Howard: Thank you so much for having me on.
Joshua Boswell: And I really.. so a couple things. You're website's www.TonjaHoward.com. Correct?
Tonja Howard: Yes sir, yes.
Joshua Boswell: So you can get more information at www.TonjaHoward.com about the book and about your world. And also, I think that it's available on Amazon. So you can just jump onto Amazon and look it up. And find it there and get it ordered, right?
Tonja Howard: You can, it's available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Walmart. All of the places that you can find a book. Grumpy Or Grateful is now there.
Joshua Boswell: Yes.
Tonja Howard: It's also on my website, and then of course we have our, which is so great, the Instagram page, which is The Tonja Howard and that really houses.
Joshua Boswell: The Tonja Howard, I love it.
Tonja Howard: The Tonja Howard because Tonja Howard was taken, so we had to get creative.
Joshua Boswell: Good, whatever else that other Tonja is doing we don’t know. But you’re THE Tonja Howard. Beautiful.
Tonja Howard: I know. That really houses everything virtue and value related. This month, it's all about gratitude, in celebration of the first book. But on there, you will also find the Connected Parenting. Just little tips and fun little quotes.
And then, boy, if you're hopping on to my story, that's just my life. What am I doing today. Sunrise, or riding the horse. Or, Hey this just happened, and that's just really my creative outlet. It’s fun. It's fun to put those stories in there. But that instagram and handle is great for all of the above as well.
Margie Boswell: Wonderful, beautiful.
Joshua Boswell: I think I saw you mentioned earlier, parenting is tough. But I think I saw a quote from you saying, People say parenting is hard but actually parenting is a blessing.
Tonja Howard: It’s a blessing.
Margie Boswell: It's a gift.
Joshua Boswell: It’s a gift, yes. Yes.
Tonja Howard: I'm not sure it's a job. When people go, This is the hardest job. And I'm always torn about that, because I'm like… I know it is a good job. But can you think about the gift that it truly is to be a parent?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, I think… the other day we watched the movie with our younger children called The Rookie.
Tonja Howard: Yes.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, The Rookie is fun. And he goes through this where He finally gets a shot at the big leagues, he’s in the Miners, and he's really down and he's discouraged. Then he watches an interview of himself talking about when he was a kid and how he loved baseball.
Tonja Howard: Yes.
Joshua Boswell: He’s older and he gets a shot at the Major League, but he realizes, This baseball gig… It's not a pain, it's not a torture. This is a gift. I love it. And so he comes into the locker room the next day he goes up to his buddies. He's like, You know we get to do today?!
Tonja Howard: That's right!
Joshua Boswell: We get to play baseball!
Tonja Howard: That's right. Yes.
Joshua Boswell: He’s just SO excited and Margie and I, we can see Tonja you feel the same way. It's like I get up in the morning, I think, You know what we get to do today?! We're gonna be parents. We're gonna play with our kids.
Tonja Howard: We get to be parents again. I know.
Joshua Boswell: We're gonna do this. It's just… and for all the challenges, it’s so cool.
Tonja Howard: Yes, mindset is everything. Mindset is everything, and even the times where it's really hard to be a parent. Okay, well we love those times, too. I mean, we'll go off and cry and do our thing, but I love it. It's my gosh, I get to do this. Changes everything.
Joshua Boswell: Yes. Fun fun fun.
Margie Boswell: Awesome.
Joshua Boswell: Well, Thank you so much.
Tonja Howard: Thank you guys.
Joshua Boswell: Your insight has been just awesome. You over delivered for us. We're so grateful for that.
Tonja Howard: Thank I'm grateful for you, too, as well. The conversation was just beautiful. So thank you guys as well.
Joshua Boswell: Alright so guys go check out Tonja's book. Bring more gratitude and more virtues and values into your life, and I just promise you it'll be well worth all of your time and efforts.
So cool. All right, and again Tonja, thank you so much.
Tonja Howard: Thank you guys.
Joshua Boswell: And we’ll talk to you soon.
Tonja Howard: Yes, thank you. Bye guys.
Joshua Boswell: Bye.