Podcast Transcript
Attendees:
Christi Davis, Margie Boswell, Joshua Boswell
Transcript:
Joshua Boswell: Hello everyone. Welcome to The Happy Family Club Podcast. We're so excited to have you here today and what an honor it is to have Christi Davis with us. I don't know, do you want to tell a little bit about Christi? You guys have gotten to know each other.
Margie Boswell: Well yeah, we’ve gotten to know Christi a bit. We're so excited. She is the mother of seven.
Joshua Boswell: Hurray for big families. And actually hooray for all families. Yeah.
Christi Davis: Yeah, it feels like a big family until I talk to you guys and find out you have 11, so...
Joshua Boswell: Yeah well…
Margie Boswell: But you also have several grandchildren, which is wonderful.
Christi Davis: Yep. They’re the best.
Margie Boswell: And a few years ago, you became a certified coach.
Christi Davis: Uh-huh.
Joshua Boswell: And have just been counseling and helping other people and in having more love at home. Yeah, great Mission.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: Yes, yeah.
Joshua Boswell: I love that. And so you guys should know Christi, like Margie said, she's a certified life coach. She does private coaching. She also has courses and has been able to reach just thousands of people across the world.
And over I think five, six… almost a decade now, you've been working on this and sharing your ideas and principles with people. So thank you for the work that you're doing, Christi. I just… we can't express enough gratitude because the world needs more fabulous, engaged moms and parents and you're helping do that. So, thank you very very much.
Margie Boswell: Yes.
Joshua Boswell: We’re super excited.
Christi Davis: Well it's definitely a work that I feel called to do. And some of the things that I now teach are things that I learned through the School of Hard Knocks. And so I'm just really happy to share some of the things that I've learned in hopes that I can save some other families some heartache.
Joshua Boswell: Well good. That's exactly why we're here is to find out some of those lessons you've learned so…
Margie Boswell: Yep.
Joshua Boswell: So before we jump into that, you know, we love to ask the question about what's a key principle for a greater family happiness. But before we go there, I’d love to have you just tell us a little bit about your story.
Because in our world today, it's kind of unusual that someone with seven children, busy, and has a life and church responsibilities is gonna say, Okay, I'm gonna peel off some time to try to help other moms. And I'm gonna create models and programs and processes. I mean, it's really a unique thing. So, what's your story? How did you get here, Christi?
Christi Davis: So there's two different stories. I'm debating which one to tell you.
Joshua Boswell: Okay.
Christi Davis: I'm gonna tell you the first one about how I got to be doing the work that I'm doing.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah. Yes,…
Christi Davis: And then I'm going to tell you about how I learned some of the things I learned.
Joshua Boswell: Yes. Sounds beautiful.
Christi Davis: So first story is I have always been actually interested in business. It was never my dream to stay home and be a stay-at-home mom and have tons of kids and… I mean I grew up in a family like that, and I loved it. But honestly, I really wanted to start a business or to work. I had investment ideas. I had all these ideas.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: I had seven kids though. And every time I would start getting this urge to somehow do something outside of the home to start working or whatever. I would pray about it and I would just feel so strongly that the Lord wanted me in my home full time with my kids.
Joshua Boswell: mmm
Christi Davis: He wanted me to not be distracted from that. And I know that's not the answer that every mom gets. But for me, that was a very clear calling and answer. And so I was always like, Okay well, that's fine. So anyway, fast forward to my youngest is in kindergarten. And I start learning about this life coaching thing. Because I've always in the back of my mind thought, Oh, life coaching. That sounds cool. I wonder what that is?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: So I kind of started looking into it and learning about it. And I thought this might be something I want to do someday. And like a bolt of lightning into my whole being came the answer, It's time for you to do this right now. And I get emotional saying about it, but it was just such a clear answer, like message to me from God.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: That like, I appreciate all the work you've been doing here. And now I want you to shift your focus. It's time for you to shift your focus. I need you to share this message with other people.
Joshua Boswell: Wow.
Christi Davis: And so it was really exciting for me. And of course, it's been a huge learning curve and fun and stressful and all the things along the way as I try and balance all of those things.
Joshua Boswell: Of course. Wow.
Christi Davis: So that's why I'm doing what I'm doing is because I felt like God told me to.
Joshua Boswell: Well… that is the best reason in the universe to do something.
Margie Boswell: Best reason. Yep. Good for you.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And it shows up in all the stuff you do. I mean, your work is excellent and it's filled with so much love and passion and compassion. I mean, our audience is gonna find that out more as we go through here, but that's really cool. It's delightful to see it.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: So what's the other story?
Margie Boswell: The second story? Yeah.
Christi Davis: The other story that I sometimes think of as my origin story was my child number three. So my first two were girls and they were kind of rule followers. Like… I had this vision of what my kids were gonna do and I created this culture… this intentional culture in my family and they just kind of went along with it and bought into the same things that I valued.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And then I had my first son, child number three, who had completely different ideas than I did. Of just everything. We saw the world through completely different lenses. And there was so much contention…
Joshua Boswell: mmm
Christi Davis: as I tried to get him to go along with what I thought he should be doing. To the point that he was completely pushing away.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: I knew nothing about what was going on in his life. He wanted kind of nothing to do with me. And looking back now, I see why. Because he was constantly getting the message from me that, You are so exasperating, you're doing everything wrong, you’re not… you know?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: So I just got to this point where I was like, Something has got to change. And the real wake-up moment for me was when he was probably 15 and he went through this stage where he was sneaking out of the house all the time.
Sometimes we would catch him. Sometimes we wouldn't. And I just felt like it's my job as a parent to make sure he doesn't sneak out of the house, right? To keep him safe, to make sure I know where he is. And so I tried everything I knew how to try to control him. I like booby trapped outside of his bedroom door. I put tape over the door so that I’d know if he was sneaking out.
I tried everything I could think of. And finally at one point I got so exasperated with him and I said, What am I going to have to do? Put a video camera and point it at your bed? And he got this funny smirk on his face. He's like, That actually would be a fun challenge.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: I was like, What the heck? Just threw my arms up in the air. Which was so frustrating at the time. But really it was a turning point, because I came to realize I can't control this kid.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, right.
Christi Davis: He is bigger and stronger and faster than me and probably smarter than me. I can't control him. And I was like, Wait a second, if I can't control him then what is my job here?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And so that started this journey for me that just changed everything.
Margie Boswell: Mmm.
Christi Davis: And parenting is so much more fun now. And my relationships with my kids are amazing because I stopped trying to control them.
Joshua Boswell: What an amazing lesson. I mean, and I think a lot of parents… I see in the world today this huge pendulum swing. It's either on the one hand it's like, I'm going to control my child and dictate everything that happens there. Or this total complacency of, sei la vie. Just… kids will be…
Christi Davis: Right, they're gonna do what they're gonna do. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: Whatever… let them go, right? Or, I have no influence over anyway, so whatever. I'll just be their buddies. And that's the goal, just be buddies.
Christi Davis: Right, right. And that's the tricky thing… Because I knew that wasn't right either. That didn't feel right either.
Joshua Boswell: Yes.
Christi Davis: So I really had to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of experimenting and figuring out. Okay, then what is my role?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, Okay, so I want to run down that rabbit hole for a minute.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And obviously, I mean the context here is what's gonna create a happier family? And we talk about it all the time, happiness is not this pleasure moment. It's that deep abiding joy that comes from living right and doing things that create real growth. Because people are so much happier when they're really growing.
Christi Davis: totally
Joshua Boswell: And I'm sure when your son was rebelling, he wasn't actually growing and he probably wasn't that happy. But you threw the gauntlet down. It's like, okay, let's go, right? So, talk to us a little bit more about that relationship between your role as a mom and as a parent and controlling/not controlling, and what lessons you discovered along the way.
Christi Davis: Yeah, so something I would add to your list…
Joshua Boswell: Yes.
Christi Davis: of what contributes to happiness and joy in family life I think is relationships.
Joshua Boswell: Yes.
Christi Davis: I think maybe that's the number one point of being Human is relationships. And I think that's where our greatest joy comes. When I was in that stage of trying to control him, there was very little Joy going on in that relationship.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: I could hardly stand to be around the kid because I felt so frustrated all the time and I felt like such a failure all the time. Consequently, he could hardly stand being around me and I can't blame him.
Joshua Boswell: Sure.
Christi Davis: So that's when I realized something had to change. So, what I decided was that my most important goal in that stage of his life was to rebuild our relationship.
Joshua Boswell: mmm
Christi Davis: Because something I've learned, and I'm sure you guys have learned this too. When kids are little they kind of just accept that Mom and Dad are the boss and they make the rules and they know things we don't know and so we believe them. And then they get to be teenagers, especially some of them. Some are worse than others…
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: But they get to be teenagers, and all of a sudden they don't just take that for granted anymore. It's not just a given that I should do what Mom and Dad say and…
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: So the only hope we have for influence in their lives is if they invite it, and they choose it, and they welcome it. And the only thing that would make them want to welcome our influence in their life is if we have a good relationship with them.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Margie Boswell: That's right.
Christi Davis: And so every time I… and I've been through this with lots of kids now. Every time I get to one of those stages where we're just not enjoying being around each other, or they're not listening to me, or they're doing exactly the opposite of what I want them to do. I will pause and step back and say, Okay, we're gonna put this on hold until I work on this relationship. Yeah, and…
Joshua Boswell: Build the relationship. Yeah. Strengthen it.
Margie Boswell: Mm-hm.
Christi Davis: Yeah. So you were talking about this pendulum, do I control? Or is it sei la vie, and I have nothing to do with it? Neither one of those obviously. I think the happy medium there, the happy middle ground is where I have influence because they're inviting it. Because we have that relationship.
Joshua Boswell: Beautiful.
Margie Boswell: I love that.
Joshua Boswell: And what I love about that is that, I think number one is it says, Look, I'm not gonna force my child to do something. And number two is, I as a parent actually have… I can do something about this.
Christi Davis: Yes.
Joshua Boswell: Now you could do all the steps to build a relationship and they can still reject you. Totally on their shoulders, but we're not talking about them. We're talking about us as parents what we get to do, right?
Margie Boswell: Right.
Christi Davis: Right. And I found that even when my kids are bugged by me, I can still be totally loving and enjoying them.
Joshua Boswell: Yes, yeah.
Margie Boswell: There you go. Yes.
Joshua Boswell: I think that happens every time I make up a new song and sing it to my kids and embarrass them in public.
Christi Davis: Right? Perfect example.
Joshua Boswell: Perfect example, right? I’m having a great time.
Margie Boswell: You start dancing…
Joshua Boswell: I try to do that too much. So talk to us about what you discovered in terms of building those relationships with the prickly, pushy, conniving teenager.
Christi Davis: Yeah. So with this particular kid, in the middle of all of this, I was praying. Because I don't know how to parent without praying, without God's help and His ideas.
Joshua Boswell: Nope. Yeah.
Christi Davis: And so, I was praying like, What do I do about this kid? And the answer that I got was, Hold him close.
Joshua Boswell: mmm
Christi Davis: And I was like, Sure, that sounds lovely. But I can’t. I can't even keep him in the house. How am I gonna keep him close? And the answer actually came in kind of an unexpected way. He ended up breaking both of his wrists and knocking out his front tooth in a longboarding accident.
Joshua Boswell: Oh my goodness.
Margie Boswell: Wow.
Christi Davis: So he's pretty helpless and I'm having to drive him to all of these appointments and we ended up spending so much time in the car together. And it was after I had realized I couldn't control him. And so I was trying to figure out, Okay, then what?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And I really decided to just get to know him.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: Like… I wonder what he wants for his life? I wonder who he’s trying to become? I wonder what his goals are? And so that became my focus. And we spent a lot of time in the car or in the doctor's appointments or whatever and just kind of talking and me getting to know him. And that changed everything.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: Once he knew that I cared about who he wanted to be and I was there to support him... All of a sudden he wanted my advice.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Margie Boswell: Awww.
Christi Davis: And would ask me questions and invite me into his life.
Joshua Boswell: Christi, that is awesome. Have you found that there are… Sometimes teenagers are difficult to talk to. Or to pull information out of. I wonder what the process was for you and what you've seen… I mean, you coach other parents, so you see the whole gamut. Not just with child number three that we're talking about, but the whole gamut of stuff. Do you have insights on how parents can effectively structure those conversations? So they actually turn into dialogue and not question, silence, silence, space bar space bar… right?
Christi Davis: Yes I do and it's… Before we answer though, like the words that you have to say… Because parents always say, Well what should I say?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: What should I do that's gonna get my kids to talk to me? It really… where I always start with clients is first you have to fix how you're thinking and feeling about your child.
Joshua Boswell: Love this. Ok.
Margie Boswell: Yes. Internally.
Christi Davis: Because teenagers are just too smart for their own good. And they can totally sense if we're feeling awkward around them or if we're feeling critical around them. Then no matter what we say, that's still the feeling that they get. And so, before we even try like, How do I have a conversation? We have to genuinely change our own hearts.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And the way we're thinking about them. So that's the place I always start. And I will ask… Are you familiar with Susan Stiffelman?
Joshua Boswell: I'm not, no.
Christi Davis: She wrote a book called Parenting Without Power Struggles that I just really love and recommend to a lot of my clients. And in there she outlines what is called the six stages of human attachment.
Joshua Boswell: Mm-hmm
Christi Davis: And it's the stages that a baby will go through when it's first bonding with their parents. But it also applies to building any kind of new relationship. And so I have this list… I can actually pull it up here. This list of the stages of attachment that I will work with parents on to figure out, Okay, where is my relationship struggling?
Joshua Boswell: Right.
Christi Davis: Where have we gotten off here?
Joshua Boswell: Right, where are we not attached? Yeah.
Christi Davis: Yeah the very first stage is proximity. The first stage of being attached to someone as we have to spend time together.
Joshua Boswell: mmm
Christi Davis: And so, sometimes that's hard with teenagers. They're so busy with their own lives and we find we only cross paths when we're nagging at them to do their chores, or trying to wake them up in the morning or whatever. So sometimes that's the first place to start is, How can you con your child into spending time with you? What do you have to do to make them willingly be in proximity to you? For me that's often involved with food.
Joshua Boswell: Yep.
Christi Davis: Like, If you come with me, if you get in the car with me, I'll drive through and we'll get Whatever. Whatever it takes.
Joshua Boswell: Whatever. Yeah.
Christi Davis: So I think sometimes that's the first place to start is, find out what they love and spend some time with them.
Margie Boswell: Doing it. Ah, I love it.
Joshua Boswell: Very cool. Love that.
Margie Boswell: I want to go get that book. That sounds like a great book.
Christi Davis: It's a great book, and those stages of attachment… You know, the second one is sameness, having things in common. Which also can be hard with a prickly teenager,…
Joshua Boswell: mmm
Christi Davis: And so we'll say, Okay, how can you find something in common with your kid and build on that? I've had one son that just loves music. I don't listen to music very often, but I asked him to put together a playlist of feel good, pick me up songs.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: My gosh, he loved that assignment and we talked about music and he had all these songs to show me and, Do you want me to put this one on the list? Here's why I love this one, Mom. What do you think about this…? And so it was just such a good bonding moment for us.
Joshua Boswell: Incredible.
Christi Davis: We had something in common.
Joshua Boswell: Wow.
Margie Boswell: So cool.
Joshua Boswell: And I wonder… I mean, those stages of attachment… and I want to go back to one of the things you said. You said first we make these adjustments in terms of how we think and how we feel about the child.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And sometimes I see myself and other parents get into kind of like, you know, the click and whirl routine. It's like, the child does this, automatic trigger is this. This is the way I think. And a lot of times I'm not even aware that they're running through this process.
And I just wonder if you have any insights on how we can shift that thinking inside of our brains. Because oftentimes we’re shifting, but the child is still doing the same stuff. I mean, I'm assuming that at some point when you're praying, you know, child number three was potentially still, until he broke his wrist, still sneaking out at night.
Christi Davis: Totally, yeah.
Joshua Boswell: Right, so it was like, Okay, I gotta think differently about him. Even though behavior hasn't changed. And I wonder if you have any ideas on how to do that?
Christi Davis: Yeah, so I stopped trying to… I decided mentally, Okay, my job is not to stop him from sneaking out. I thought that was my job.
Joshua Boswell: Right.
Christi Davis: I tried that, it did not work at all. It was actually doing more damage than it was good.
Margie Boswell: Mm-hm.
Christi Davis: And so my job is not to stop him from sneaking out. My job is to build a relationship.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, good.
Christi Davis: So it just shifted my focus then. And I wasn't so irritated and frustrated all the time because my focus had shifted, right?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And so my focus became on getting to know his mind and his heart. So any behavior that we see will always make sense if we can understand what they're thinking and feeling.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Margie Boswell: Right.
Christi Davis: And so instead of trying to fix the behavior, I shifted my goal to, Okay, I'm going to try and understand what's going on underneath that. And that’s where we found the relationship is all of a sudden like, Oh, I get it. I get what you’re thinking. I get what you're feeling. I get why you act the way you act. Just changed everything.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, beautiful. That shift is incredibly powerful, what you're talking about. Because shifting that perspective of trying to control, trying to be the boss, trying to fix everything. And just coming to an understanding of them, I think it takes a ton of pressure off of us as parents. Right? And it actually puts pressure where it should be, right? Because in the end, these aren't really our children. We really just have stewardship, right? We're giving these 18 summers to have them close to us.
Christi Davis: Right?
Joshua Boswell: I mean, or sometimes less than that. I mean, a lot of our children have wandered off at 16-17 to go to school and college and do all kinds of stuff.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: So it's like, we have these 18 years or 16 years. And if we think that that's about controlling them, we're gonna be fighting the whole time. But like you're saying Christi, if we shift that and say, How do we get to know them so that they want to have us as an influence in their life? Totally different dynamics.
Christi Davis: And I don't think we're doing them a service long-term if we're calling all the shots in their lives.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah. Right, right.
Christi Davis: I mean that's not, right? Our goal is to prepare them to be responsible and autonomous adults. And so that doesn't happen just overnight when they move out of the house.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Margie Boswell: Right, and we're helping them, training them up in the way they should go.
Christi Davis: Yes, yeah.
Margie Boswell: The way that they have the desire and the God-given gifts to go.
Christi Davis: Right
Joshua Boswell: Instead of us… you know, forcing them to be the star football player that we never got to be or whatever.
Christi Davis: Right exactly.
Joshua Boswell: They’re not here to fulfill our dreams, they're here to fulfill their own dreams and so…
Christi Davis: Yeah, I started shifting my perspective. Instead of being the teacher, because I always thought my job was to be the teacher, I started, when my kids get older I start thinking of myself more of a mentor.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: Or an advisor. And letting them really be the leaders in their own lives.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And my job then becomes to support them and to guide them and help them think of things maybe they haven't thought of yet. But really, they are the leaders in their own lives.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Margie Boswell: So great.
Joshua Boswell: You know… and it's so interesting, as we watched our children go from your toddler to child to teen to adult. It's interesting when they go out on their own, oftentimes they're trying new things and they're doing stuff. And I have to go back and remember like, Okay, when I went out on my own, what was my experience? And I was nervous and I was trying new stuff and I was afraid and there was some uncertainty there. And I remember having, from time to time, people boost me up and encourage me and strengthen me and mentor me. Right?
Christi Davis: Yeah, yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And what a difference that made? And sometimes I have to remind myself. Okay, Joshua, they're not toddlers anymore. This is a married man. He's got children. And he's running a business. And it's like, Okay, how are you gonna treat them? And I find myself wanting to more and more be a cheerleader. And then as they want advice say, Hey, we've been down this road before. Here’s some insights.
Christi Davis: 100% And yeah,…
Joshua Boswell: And what are you gonna do with it? Right and then…
Christi Davis: Yeah, take it or leave it, here's my thoughts, here’s my opinion, here's my perspective. And you do what you want. And either way I totally believe in you.
Joshua Boswell: Totally, yeah.
Margie Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And I think that's become one of my favorite jobs as a parent, is to be the cheerleader. And it's actually such a relief.
Joshua Boswell: Totally.
Christi Davis: It's been so good for our relationship when I have decided that they will know best for them.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: Even if that means they're going to learn some hard lessons and make some mistakes. Then that means they needed to learn those lessons. And I still have total faith that they're gonna learn the lessons they need to learn and turn out to be great.
Joshua Boswell: Right well what's funny is, I look at how Margie and I struggled when we first got married. And the mistakes I made in our relationship, in our finances, in my business, in church responsibilities. Like wow… And I mean braggadociously, I turned out pretty good. I figured out how to go through the problems, right?
Christi Davis: Right exactly.
Joshua Boswell: And, looking back now at some of the struggles that we had, it’s like, actually, I personally really needed that. Because I found later on in my business career and in church responsibilities and Leadership there. It’s like wow, I really needed that pain point in my life to be able to connect with, understand, relate and counsel other people.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: I wouldn't have been equipped to handle the stuff that God put in my path later on if I hadn't gone through the torture in the beginning.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: I think sometimes if we helicopter parent and micromanage stuff, we rob our children of the power of those experiences. And who's to say God isn't preparing them for something down the road that they really really need?
Christi Davis: I 100% agree. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah and are you gonna take that away? No, you shouldn’t.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And this brings up, it's kind of a little side note because I got a couple other questions to ask you. I'm taking notes and I got a bunch of questions here.
Christi Davis: Perfect.
Joshua Boswell: And we're gonna be able to get to them all today because I like lots of questions. But you know, you talked about how one of your first responses was to go into prayer and to seek guidance from God in terms of what do you do. And then you got an answer. And I think that that's a really interesting process that we could explore. Because we've talked to parents lately, a lot of them want additional help and so they hire fabulous coaches like you and they listen to our cool podcast. They're reading books. They're trying stuff. But a lot of them hunger for that Divine connection and a way to get answers. And I just wondered if you have some insights on that process and how they can strengthen their ability to pray and listen. So we’d love to hear those answers.
Christi Davis: Yeah. Yeah, I definitely have some thoughts about that.
Joshua Boswell: Good.
Christi Davis: Because, at least in my experience, the way God speaks is so subtle that sometimes it's really hard to hear what He's saying, or to understand what He's saying. And there's some things that get in the way of it. I think for parents, one of those things is fear or anxiety.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: When our minds are going crazy with fear or worry or anxiety, then that kind of blocks us from being able to communicate very well with God. I think those things just become so loud that the subtlety of God's voice is harder to hear
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And so I actually consider that one of my jobs as a coach, to help parents just calm down the fear or the anxiety or the worst case scenario or whatever it is that their brain is spinning out on or that's keeping them all emotionally in knots. And to calm that down, and then once we are in that calm, still place, it's so much easier to understand what God is trying to communicate to us.
Joshua Boswell: I love that.
Margie Boswell: Wonderful.
Joshua Boswell: And then without getting too deep, because again, I’ve got other questions here. But insights on how that happens? Because you know… fears feel so tangible and powerful in the moment, and most of the time they're just paper dragons, right? They're just…
Christi Davis: Yeah, they’re just “what if” scenarios that we made up in our head?
Joshua Boswell: Right. And I'm thinking of a scenario here. You've got a parent, they're dealing with a challenging child. And they're lying awake at night and they're squirreling. I mean, they're running through… And really a more effective way would be for them to be still and listen to God, but how do you get them to transition from that, I'm gonna stay up till 2:00 in the morning squirreling over “what ifs”? Versus, prayer, calm and listening.
Christi Davis: Yeah, so this actually is where having an outside helper that's not living in your head I think can be so valuable.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: Because sometimes… I'll hear clients all the time who start talking out loud and tell me the thing that was keeping them up last night.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And as they say it out loud, they're like, wait a second. I think this is not even real. I think this is not even true.
Joshua Boswell: Okay, right. Yeah.
Christi Davis: So for one, just being able to talk about it is so helpful. But then a lot of times I will get them to go with me to the worst case scenario. Okay, let's assume this happens. Let's assume that your son gets his girlfriend pregnant.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: Okay, That's the thing that we're so afraid of. So then let's just go there. If that happens, then what?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: Is all hope gone? No. No, they're still tons of ways to be happy and successful and for your son to learn exactly what he needs to learn and to progress and to move forward. And thank goodness for Jesus, because somehow because of Jesus we can always change we can always progress.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And somehow He makes it possible for all things to work together for our good. And so I kind of don't know how to help parents without including God in the conversation.
Joshua Boswell: Right, right.
Christi Davis: Because He really is what makes it all doable.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, because it's the great neutralizer? I don't know how else to say it. It's the great Redemptive power that fixes all that stuff eventually.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: Or it makes it possible for all that stuff to be rectified or solved.
Christi Davis: right
Joshua Boswell: And so if you're running through life thinking, If this mistake happens, thats it. That's the end. Well, of course if you're standing on the brink of the Endless Chasm, you're gonna be stressed out, right?
Christi Davis: right
Joshua Boswell: But if you see like, Oh, actually… This is ok. There’s a bridge here. And if we cross that bridge, it's gonna be a little more painful on the other side, but we carry on and it's okay.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: Oh and look, there's actually sunshine and rainbows further down that trail after the storm clouds. So let's just keep moving forward right?
Christi Davis: exactly exactly
Joshua Boswell: It changes the Dynamics. I love it. By the way, I'm thinking as I'm talking here and just reiterating what you're saying because I love it.
Joshua Boswell: It’s that, Let's go to the worst case scenario and “What if?” And the reality is, how many times does the worst case…? I mean, sometimes the worst case does happen. I totally get it. But usually…
Christi Davis: Right, it's not the most likely usually…
Joshua Boswell: Right, right.
Christi Davis: But if our brains can't let go of that, especially for somebody who's just like, There's something emotional that's just clinging tightly to that.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: Then we go to that worst case scenario and realize that there's peace even there.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And then it makes it easier to let go. So something that I've figured out that I think is so fascinating is that, at least as Christian parents, we are trying to teach our kids to turn to Jesus. Because He loves you no matter what.
Joshua Boswell: Right.
Christi Davis: Even if you make mistakes, He will forgive you. He will help you through the mistakes. We're trying to teach that. And yet if we're terrified of our kids making mistakes, they're getting a mixed message. They're like wait, Okay, you say that Jesus can cover my mistakes, but then you're acting like it's the end of the world if I make a mistake.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And so we're sending kind of a mixed message.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, I think too… I'm guessing what happens here and processing this is you're saying that. But it's also a mixed message in a sense of, God will forgive and be patient and encourage and love you through this, but doggonit. I'm the parent. You better get this fixed right now because if does happen, that's the end of the world, right?
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: It's like wow…
Margie Boswell: Wait a minute…?
Joshua Boswell: Wait a minute! And we are imperfect parents. And I also want to say to any parent listening to this, holy smokes, I think first and foremost: Chill on yourself, right? Right.
Christi Davis: Yes, this is a hard thing you're doing.
Joshua Boswell: I know! It's tough. You didn't get any training for this. There wasn't a manual. There’s no like… we're dealing, like with us, we’re dealing with 11 personalities, ideas, opinions.
Christi Davis: And everyone is so different.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah even if you’re… it’s like, ahh!
Margie Boswell: So different.
Joshua Boswell: So I love this and we have the power to not send those mixed messages.
Christi Davis: Well…
Joshua Boswell: And to shift gears and have faith in God and faith in them. Like… Things are gonna work out.
Christi Davis: Exactly. And I think that's why the family is set up the way it is.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: Because we as the parents are supposed to be growing and changing every bit as much as our kids are supposed to be growing and changing, right? So when we come to these things that are so hard, it's because it's time for us to grow. That's the way it's supposed to be.
Joshua Boswell: Now when I had my first child, I became perfect, didn't you know that?
Christi Davis: Ohh…
Margie Boswell: Riiight…
Joshua Boswell: I'm a dad now. I get to make no more mistakes. Oh my goodness.
Margie9 Boswell: OH no…
Joshua Boswell: This is sarcasm. Anyone listening to that, that was sarcasm…
Christi Davis: In case there was any question about that.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah in case there’s any question…
Margie Boswell: I can verify!
Joshua Boswell: Haha sure, yep…
Margie Boswell: Just kidding.
Joshua Boswell: So, talk with us a little bit about… because there's an ongoing journey here. And I'd love to hear a little bit about resilience in this process and your thoughts on that. Because let's just take this scenario again, we're squirreling at night. Okay, we’ve found a little bit of hope and calm. We've engaged God in the conversation. We're praying and we're listening. We get some instructions like you got direction. Like, Hold him close.
Christi Davis: Mm-hm.
Joshua Boswell: And we start down that thing and then it's like, Okay, now everything's gonna be perfect! And then sometimes, shocker, it's not.
Christi Davis: Yeah, sometimes 99% of the time.
Joshua Boswell: Right. Sometimes every now and then…. let me think now. I've coached close to 40,000 business owners around the world who have gone through my programs now. And all of them start off and it's like, Okay, we're gonna learn this program and they're like, butterflies and bushy tails and they’re like, I’m going to jump into this program, I’m going to apply it, and my growth projector’s gonna look like this! And up it goes straight line, and we're happy. And never, ever.
Christi Davis: never never
Joshua Boswell: Like the honeymoon phase is over and… then catastrophe hits and then there's problems and then it's like, Ahhh…. I'm gonna pull my hair out.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: So I would love to hear your thoughts as a parent about the importance of resilience and pressing forward when we get the answers, we do the answers, we find the coach. We follow the program… and that doesn't show up exactly the way we expected. Where do we go from there?
Christi Davis: So I have two thoughts about this.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: One is just the whole… I'm sure you've heard this analogy before… but thinking of parenting as being a gardener. I used to think of parenting as being a sculptor.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: You know like, I'm trying to shape these children. And I have since realized the wishful thinkingness of that. But we're more like the gardener in that there are things we can control. It's our job to provide good soil, to water regularly, all those things. We never get to control the timing.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: How long it takes that seed to sprout, even if we're providing the perfect conditions, like… The seed gets to decide when it's going to sprout. And we don't get to decide which seeds have been planted. Our kids come, you know this. They come so differently. They come with their unique personalities and their unique struggles.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And so… Just to zoom out and realize that I'm never in charge of the timing. I don't want to get distracted by my frustrations and forget to do the things that really are my job. Because there are some things that are important for me to do. But then I just got to be patient and trust God and Trust his timing and trust this whole process. So that's one thought.
The other thought I have is that I have clients all the time who, they learn new tools or new skills and they start working great, and they're so excited, and then a month later they come back and they're like, my gosh. I lost it. I yelled at the kids. I went...
Joshua Boswell: Yeah. Yeah.
Christi Davis: I'm right back at square one.
Joshua Boswell: yep, uh-huh.
Christi Davis: And I always tell them there's no such thing as moving backwards. We are always moving forwards or upwards. I love the visual of a spiral that is moving upwards. And so sometimes it’s really subtle. Our progress is really subtle. And sometimes it might even seem like we're moving backwards, but we're still spiraling up. So we're going to go around and around and we're gonna learn some of the same lessons over and over again because that's the way humans work,
Joshua Boswell: Yep.
Christi Davis: But it doesn't mean we're moving backwards. It means we're just gradually spiraling upward.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, I think what's cool about that scenario that you just said is even the awareness. And the like, Oh my goodness. I just realized I blew up, and there was a better way and I didn't do it. Even that awareness…
Christi Davis: huge progress
Joshua Boswell: It’s like, That's progress, very cool, right?
Christi Davis: Absolutely.
Joshua Boswell: Because most parents just blow through it and it doesn’t even hit the radar. It’s like, is there a problem with that fact that I just yelled at and beat my kids?
Christi Davis: Yep.
Joshua Boswell: I don't understand that.
Christi Davis: Yeah well I mean clearly they deserved it? So…
Joshua Boswell: Right. So the awareness level is growth. And I love the fact that it's like, We are growing, we are changing, especially if we're in the process and they are. So… awesome. Okay.
Christi Davis: So a phrase that I use with my clients all the time is, Nothing has gone wrong here.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah, yeah.
Christi Davis: And it's always true. Even if I didn't see this coming. Even if this is not how I thought it was gonna go. The whole reason we are here as mortals is to experience life, and to make mistakes, and to try again, and to keep growing. And so if that's what we're doing, if we're making mistakes, we're right on track.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: If our kids are totally messing up, they're right on track. That's exactly what we're supposed to be doing is learning through our own experience. So, Nothing has gone wrong.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah. I love that.
Christi Davis: It takes some of them a while to buy into that but…
Joshua Boswell: they're like, Oh yeah, but you don't understand…
Christi Davis: right
Joshua Boswell: Well no… I've heard the phrase. It's like, You're actually not powerful enough to mess up God's plan in your life. Sorry.
Christi Davis: I love that. Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: You think you're trying, but actually you're just playing into His cards. So sorry.
Christi Davis: Yep. And I love the thought, like when I start to freak out a little bit, I love to zoom out and… try, of course I can't actually get in God's head and understand he's thinking, but…
Joshua Boswell: Right, yeah.
Christi Davis: But I don't think He's up there freaking out.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: Panic, like, Oh my gosh. I didn't see this one coming. I do not have a plan for this, right? He can never be thinking that.
Joshua Boswell: Right
Christi Davis: And so I love to zoom out and just try and see things as much as possible from a Heavenly perspective and realize that God has a plan for all of it.
Joshua Boswell: Totally. We heard multiple church leaders in 2020 say, you know what? Covid didn't actually take God by surprise.
Christi Davis: Right, right.
Margie Boswell: He’s been planning for this.
Joshua Boswell: He's got it, He knows. So awesome. This has been awesome.
Margie Boswell: So good.
Joshua Boswell: I wish we could… maybe we'll have you on again because this has been really really powerful.
Christi Davis: Yeah, we could keep going on and on.
Joshua Boswell: We really could. I wonder if there was one question you wished I would’ve asked you but didn’t? Is there something that you…
Margie Boswell: Wanted to share?
Joshua Boswell: Yeah that you would like to share before we kind of wrap up? Because I also want to talk about how people can get more information and more of your stuff.
Christi Davis: So not necessarily a question I wish you would have asked, but I just kind of want to reemphasize the point that there is always something you can do as a parent. You're always in a position of power.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: But that thing is always to work on yourself and make sure you're modeling what you want to model.
Margie Boswell: Right.
Christi Davis: And to make sure you're showing up in the relationship the way you want to. To focus on the relationship.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah. Nice.
Margie Boswell: That's great. There’s always something we can do. That’s good.
Joshua Boswell: Exactly. Because no matter what our children do, as far as I know, nobody's shackled us, thrown us into the prison and locked the key. We're out here.
Christi Davis: right
Joshua Boswell: We're available and we can make choices and we can… And I love the gardening example. Because as parents, we are in a position of power. And the garden first of all that we can control is the one inside of our own minds.
Christi Davis: Absolutely, that's where we always have to start.
Joshua Boswell: You know there’s a… James Allen, he’s an author from the early 1900s wrote a book called As A Man Thinketh. And he makes that analogy of the mind is like a garden. And we get to cultivate that. And there's so many things that we can do. Working on the relationship, showing up, being present, not being… not thinking of ourselves as the sculptor, and all these great things that you've gone through Christi.
So I hope that people listening have a huge bolster… like this massive lift and hope and sense of freedom and empowerment today. Because really what you've talked about and shared is incredibly powerful. And we have the ability to enact all of it right now, independent of what our children or our other family members do. It's really cool. Yeah.
Christi Davis: Yes. Yep. Absolutely. That's one of my main goals in the work that I do is to empower parents.
Joshua Boswell: Yeah.
Christi Davis: And to make them realize where their power really is. Because we think it's from controlling our children… It's never that. But there is so much we can do.
Joshua Boswell: And I think there's another thing… We didn't really focus in on it so I wanted to state it blatantly and that is, God is on our side in this.
Christi Davis: Yeah, we're partners.
Joshua Boswell: We are partners and He's also on our children's side. So we're all in this… we’re all together. He's rooting for all of us and He's really smart and He has a lot of power and He can do a lot of things.
Christi Davis: And He knows our children's hearts and He knows when they're ready for messages.
Joshua Boswell: Right and…
Christi Davis: And yeah.
Joshua Boswell: And I would say, if you have come across this interviewer listening to it, I would say it's no coincidence. I mean… I think that somewhere, somehow, you've had a thought of, Oh my goodness, I want to do better as a parent.
And without looking back on your past and saying you've messed up, just say, Okay, I've actually come to the point… I've grown to the point where I'm now ready to accelerate my growth. And I think this interview could be the first step in that journey in moving you forward.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: So Christi, tell us a little bit more about the resources you offer.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: So, if someone's listening to this, new to your world, and new on their journey to saying, I'm gonna do a little better as a parent. Where do we point them to help them move forward in your world?
Christi Davis: Yeah, so there's two ways really. Two main ways I would recommend, is finding me on Instagram. I'm not like, “an instagrammer.” I'm not there a ton. But if you want to get to know me, that's a really easy way to do it.
Joshua Boswell: Okay.
Christi Davis: So it's just @ChristiDavisCoaching is my Instagram handle. I also have a website which is actually in the process of being redone. So you can still find me on my website. And that has a tab where my courses are listed.
Joshua Boswell: Yep.
Christi Davis: So you can take a look through some of the things I offer there. I have a book. I released a book this summer that's called The Power Of A Faithful Mother. You can just find it on Amazon. So that's available as well.
Joshua Boswell: Hooray, cool!
Margie Boswell: So exciting!
Christi Davis: Oh and I also have my own podcast. So if you're a podcast listener, my podcast is called Liking The People You Love.
Joshua Boswell: Love that title.
Christi Davis: It's all about relationships.
Joshua Boswell: I love them, I just don't like them.
Christi Davis: Right! We all know that feeling, right?
Joshua Boswell: Let’s like them as well.
Margie Boswell: Right.
Joshua Boswell: So, all right well, beautiful. We will include all those links and encourage people to go there. Again, thank you for your time. Thank you for your wisdom. And thank you for what you're doing in the world. It's just so beautiful.
Christi Davis: Thank you.
Joshua Boswell: I've been looking at the painting that you have behind you of Christ carrying the lamb.
Christi Davis: Yeah.
Joshua Boswell: I think in a very real way you are acting in that position of being Christ’s hands and helping parents move forward and coming out of challenging situations. And so thank you very much for playing that role, heeding the call that you got so many years ago and moving forward. So we really appreciate it.
Christi Davis: My pleasure, and thank you so much for having me and thank you again for the work that you guys are doing too. It's fun to meet people who we feel like we're on the same team, you know? We have the same things that are important to us, so I love working with you.
Margie Boswell: Yeah I love that. Thanks for joining us.
Christi Davis: Thank you.
Joshua Boswell: All thank you so much and we'll talk to you soon, right?
Christi Davis: All right. Bye.
Margie Boswell: Bye!